I shot Santa Claus
By John Cappelletti
‘Twas the night before Christmas
And I went to my shrink.
He sat there, not stirring
And his eyes didn’t blink.
He said I was paranoid
To believe as I do,
That people might harm me,
Rob, mug and kill me too.
So I left. I was angry.
And soon began to run
Home to my collection
Of rifles and guns,
Which I keep for protection
From burglars and crooks
And others called “bad guys”
In movies and books.
The Second Amendment
Gives me the right
To shoot these intruders –
Our founding fathers formed militias
To fight the red-coated British.
They didn’t have Semis or Glocks,
But you wouldn’t call them skittish.
They had muskets and loaded each shot
To fire. These were the “arms,”
They insisted was their “right
To bear” as a militia to keep us from harm’s
Way; today the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines,
Homeland Security and the local police,
FBI, CIA and Special Operations Forces
Comprise our militia to keep the peace.
We now have pros to protect us.
Militias are a thing of the past.
There’s really no need to bear arms anymore
So the NRA should give it a rest.
These truths should be self evident,
Keeping guns in the home doesn’t work.
And, as we’ve seen, it makes no sense,
Because somebody might go berserk.
But back to my story
Lest these facts put you to sleep:
I was home, feeling angry.
It was quiet… not a peep.
Then I heard the floor creaking,
A shadow stalked the walls
And the flames in the fireplace
Fell on someone decking the halls.
The chiaroscuro hindered my view.
So it might have been a mirage.
But I heard some foreigner singing,
“Fah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah.”
Then I grabbed my trusty Semi,
Aimed it at the intruder’s head.
But I had never fired a weapon before
So I sprayed his big belly instead.
“Oh, oh, oh,” he cried,
This riddled man with a white beard.
He gasped and mumbled, “Merry mishmash,”
And then he just disappeared.
Well, I know now it was Santa.
I’m sorry. I think he’s dead.
But when I shot at Santa that night,
I felt threatened and I was seeing red.
From now on at Christmas time,
There won’t be joy for anyone.
But that’s the price we all must pay
When one of us shoots a gun.
Singing praises for Joy
Imagine a different kind of Thanksgiving – at a local restaurant, cozy and unpretentious, where the food is Italian (and many cuts above average – in fact, it’s delicious!) and the atmosphere is warm and welcoming.
Now toss in a delightful surprise: Pianist/singer/songwriter Audrey Joy who wins over the room not only with her musical gifts but also with her charm, enthusiasm, and eagerness to please. Shifting nimbly from the Beatles to Elton John… from The Carpenters to Judy Collins… from Sinatra to show tunes… to some of her own compositions, Joy spans eras effortlessly – from the 50s to the present.
You can catch her every Thursday at 5:30 p.m. at Adriatic Restaurant, 321 First Avenue, between 18th and 19th Streets. Don’t delay. Trust me, she’s a joy.
Carole Sharin, ST
Sandy a reminder of Greenhouse emissions
No one can deny the destruction from Hurricane Sandy has been widespread and devastating. Living in Manhattan I saw the effects first-hand as the Lower East Side and downtown areas were transformed into what looked like a war zone. People were without power for days and many homes and businesses were destroyed.
As resilient as our city has been, it’s scary to think that hurricanes and storms like this are going to become more common as climate change continues to change our weather patterns.
We know that global warming pollution is driving the extreme weather we’ve been seeing lately – and as Gov. Cuomo said in his letter to New York Daily News, “it’s time we get serious once and for all.” The Governor can show how serious he is by strengthening the Regional Greenhouse Gas Initiative, which will help cut down on emissions. As the city recovers from Sandy, let this storm be a reminder that the time to change is now.
Environment New York
Enough weather conspiracy theories
Re: Letter, “No mention of climate change in (hurricane Sandy) letters,” T&V, Dec. 6
In the 1950’s, the buzz was all about the ‘crazy weather changes’ attributed to the A and H bomb events. While most folks struggle to recover from Sandy, it’s an open opportunity for some to now promote the liberal agenda of Anthropogenic Global Warming with a snap judgment. Can the writer speak with the scientific authority of a Ph.D in physics?… while adopting the party line of the pol (and Internet discoverer!) who parlayed his “inconsistent truths” re: AGW into a tidy fortune – with mediagenic support?
A Woods Hole oceanologist published research on temperature-sensitive methane oxides covering the ocean bottoms. He concluded that a slight rise in temperature will release the methane – like a giant Alkaseltzer fizzing in the ocean.
The resulting loss of mass will cause the sea levels to fall, not rise. (More speculation: Was this the cause of the lost ships in the Bermuda triangle?!)
So whatever the sea level does – rises due to ice caps melting or falls by methane effervescence or remains as is by balancing these opposite effects – it’s a ‘scientific’ lock, a clear warning of an impending global warming for the logic-challenged left….. Escape the pop press slant, reader… Google “Climategate,” “AGW fraud” or “global warming deception.”
All the best,
Dr. Robert Bennett