Bushy tailed beasts have taken over
Re: “Are Stuy Town squirrels getting more aggressive?”, T&V, July 14
When walking through the beautiful grounds of Stuyvesant Town, it is a melancholy sight to behold furry tailed rodents on their hind legs begging, especially female squirrels who clearly have been nursing yet another generation of newborns destined to develop into increasingly aggressive beasts.
The reports of squirrels sinking their sharp teeth into babies is just the latest phase of the invasion of the aggressive squirrel. (We know it’s true; after all we “heard” about it on the internet!) One squirrel bite today means there will be another one tomorrow, but even more aggressive, and another deeper one the day after, and so on, until what had started as simple begging inevitably develops into ripping the flesh off of us all.
Not too long ago, I myself witnessed a woman issue a blood-curdling scream of terror as an infant squirrel followed her, hoping that the plastic bag she carried might have a nut for him. A pox on those who say it is only a few bad apples, a few squirrelly individuals, because we know it’s not one or two or three, but many — no, not many — all of them. They are out to get us.
Clearly we residents of Stuyvesant Town are under assault. There’s no other way to look at it. We are being attacked by vicious long-toothed terrorizing monsters who will stop at nothing. It’s time to stand up to this enemy. With that in mind I have a modest proposal for a solution to the squirrel problem.
I propose we put a bounty on each squirrel’s head. This would be a fair, cheap and easy method of making these squirrels sound and useful members of the community and would so well benefit the public. The culling of squirrels is quite common in Appalachia, and even in merry old England where its citizens currently seek to wipe out the immigrant grey squirrel from their land (and return England to its rightful state of purity).
For each squirrel’s carcass, a reward of $25 would be issued from the Stuyvesant Oval Amenities which in turn would forward the carcasses to third party vendors for processing of meat and fur skins. At the Stuyvesant Town Greenmarket residents could buy certified Stuy Town squirrel meat to cook for Sunday dinner and furs made out of squirrel pelts to keep the family warm in winters.
Culling methods, of course, could vary. Too bad we have such draconian gun laws. Just imagine… but that’s another story. Therefore, simple clubs are an obvious choice, especially with these little monsters being so trustworthy (or is it aggressive) — they’ll come right up to you and you will whack them with the surprise of their lives!
We can get the children involved too. Better to club squirrels than to feed them. The innocents taking out the innocents! Then there’s the use of dogs. The Lord knows we have enough dogs around to turn them loose on these critters. Imagine the terror in the little buggers trying to find safety up a tree but getting caught in the teeth of an ardent canine. How happy the dogs would be! And their owners elated! To heck with Henry David Thoreau who said, “The squirrel you kill in jest, dies in earnest.” Let the little terrorists know what it is to be terrorized!
With effective implementation of this plan, we would all be happy and safe from the terror that now lurks in the trees of Stuyvesant Town.
P.S. Let’s make Stuyvesant Town great again!
Enjoying the new and improved cafe
Thank you to Rick Hayduk and his management team for the newly renovated Five Stuy Café located on the Oval. The interior is bright and open, menu delicious and the terrace facing the Oval is a wonderful outdoor space. The other evening, I saw so many residents and their families enjoying the coffee, baked goods, drinks and even a game of backgammon. Dogs also enjoyed the “fido fountain”! It’s fantastic we can buy coffee or a latte without walking all the way to First Avenue, especially for our neighbors who live near Avenue C.
Let’s hope the Tenants Association has abandoned their position of opposing all commercial activity in our community.
Name withheld, ST
Appreciating cafe and greenmarket
To the Editor,
This weekend, we enjoyed both the Five Stuy Café and the Farmers Market. Thank goodness the naysayers at the Tenants Association were not successful in their zeal to shut down the farmers market, on the grounds of “inappropriate commercial activity.”
The farmers market indeed benefits all residents of the complex – providing fresh, organic fruits, vegetables, breads, fish and meats to all who live here.
The residents deserve the opportunity to have a farmers market here in our community.
Let’s hope the “TA of No” changes its views and comes to support sensible commercial enterprises like the farmers market, the skating rink, and Five Stuy Café.
Name withheld, ST
In response to the two letters above, Town & Village asked ST-PCV Tenants Association President Susan Steinberg to clarify what, if any, position the association has taken on the greenmarket, the café and other commercial ventures in Stuyvesant Town. In response, Steinberg said: “Although the TA has never opposed the greenmarket, we are committed to preventing the commercialization or development of the open spaces in ST/PCV. Again, the TA has taken no position on the café. The café, as well as the other Oval Amenities, were not constructed on open spaces. Prior to their construction, those spaces were off limits to tenants.”